Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
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