I'm going to jail i love you
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
