I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize