Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
