today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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