$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize