I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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