when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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