Need sex. Gaining weight.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
