When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
