Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
