i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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