theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
