so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You have to summon your inner elephant
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
