What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
