yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
