I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
