That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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