no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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