I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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