My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
