I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
