Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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