brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
