today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
