i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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