"it" just moved
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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