I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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