yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
