I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
