Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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