The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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