i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
