just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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