I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
