If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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