Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
