just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
