apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
