You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
