She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
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Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
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fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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