I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
