dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
