My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Found the puke drawer
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
MIDGETS
????
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
