drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
