So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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