I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
