Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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