I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
