Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
