dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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