Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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