You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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