My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
