I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
