You were right. It hurts to walk today.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
